What it feels like
I felt like everything had been progressing really well. I thought I took control.
I have been actively working on improving my mindset and it has been a lot harder than I imagined. There has been setbacks but everything has been manageable for the most part.
Then, out of nowhere I got a sneak attack. I’m upset, annoyed, sad, flustered, and any other similar adjectives.
I try to control what is happening which causes me to freak out more because I don’t have any. Then I start crying.
The tears are just streaming down my cheeks for no reason and at the same time I feel like for every reason.
I have no control of them which is an issue in itself. I hate lack of control. I take out my emotions on my family. Mostly my husband, expecting him to fix what I am failing to communicate I need. I don’t even know what it is.
I feel extreme frustration and anger. Hating that I can’t effectively convey my emotions because the words won’t come out right.
I can’t explain, I can’t understand.
How can I win!? I don’t want to be controlled by this feeling I need to control it.
I absolutely despise getting to this point and being unable to figure myself out.
What is going on with me? Why can’t I breath? Why am I crying?
I know what I am upset about isn’t that serious. That’s the part I get even more agitated about, along with feeling nobody truly understands.
When I am in these moments I just want the solution to resolve the chaos I feel emotionally. A lot of times I feel held prisoner because I can’t accurately handle what’s going on.
If I could let go of this and be in control, I would. I look back and wonder why I started to have these overwhelming uncontrollable burst of emotions. Why am I so anxious? When did this issue become my reality? Will I ever gain control of it?
It has really caused me to look back at myself. To be honest, I don’t always like what I see. I had a good life growing up. I am not the person to ever play victim. Whatever I experienced was for me to get where I am, with a dedicated husband and amazing kids. However, that doesn’t take away how those experiences affected me personally.
From the time I was a child I’ve been known as independent, vocal, and full of attitude. What most people don’t realize is that is a cover. It protects me from being vulnerable. I have never been the one to disclose my deep inner-feelings. If I get hurt I rarely tell.
I have two best friends that I tell everything too. I am talking about even the most embarrassing things. One of them is my husband. The other has been in my life since I was in seventh grade. I even hesitate to tell her things and will often wait till the storm has passed to confide in her. It’s really hard for me to be emotionally naked. I’d rather hold it in and try to figure it out myself. In turn, this causes me to be anxious. Now, when I feel like I can’t get a hold of a situation I’ve began to lose control of my emotions. It is one of the hardest things to deal with as a person who thrives in a position of order.
I am here to recognize there’s an issue and open myself up to figure this all out. I have started to look into solutions and have really found some good information. My husband has helped me take some control back. He allows me to have my moments, though they can be pretty brutal. I also started to open up to those closest to me.
They needed to know what has been happening in my little world. I started to retreat and not want to be around anyone. It was not fair to myself or them.
When I told my best friend she was amazing and showed genuine love toward me. It actually feels better than I thought to be able to be open about it to other people. I also talked to a close friend that I knew had similar issues. The support I felt was unexplainable. To know I was not alone gave me so much insight and clarity. It has helped me explain things to my husband so much better and has helped us attack this instead of it attacking me.
There will be moments that I don’t always win. I will get that heavy feeling in my chest, start breathing heavy, and feel controlled by my emotions. It is what I do next that truly matters. Do I sulk all day and allow this to win? No. I choose to figure out what triggered the outburst and no matter how hard actively work on taking control of what I can. I am not perfect and will always work toward improvement. I’m choosing to focus on how crazy wonderful life can be.