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Month: September 2016

Determined to be the woman my daughter needs

Determined to be the woman my daughter needs

When I was told I was having a baby girl I don’t think I realized the gravity our relationship would have on me. The strong bond that would easily develop. She makes me look at myself and want to be better, a better person…a better woman.  I feel a responsibility to be a good example of what a woman is or can be. I’m amazed with her knack to learn all my bad habits while also shining a light on my best qualities. I am hyper aware she’s taking mental notes and trying my best to be the role model she deserves. I am blessed to be gifted with the trust to raise my beautiful little girl.

I know she’s watching me. Every move I make she studies so intently. Sometimes I’ll even catch her mimicking an exact movement, trying to perfect it, so she can be just like mommy. As I clean, she uses a cloth to go over areas I just did. As I read, she sits and bangs on her book then reads aloud with it upside down. As I brush my teeth, she watches me intensely and whimpers for her toothbrush to brush her own.

Her mood often reflects my own. My habits slowly becoming hers. The love she has for me is unconditional as is mine for her. I look at her and know the magnitude of my responsibility.

She looks to me as a model of what a woman is. She will forever be shaped by my example. She is strong, independent, and wise all on her own but still needs the loving guidance of her mommy.

I will stand tall so she knows to always be confident. I will be respectful to show her kindness and warmth is invaluable. I will speak clearly to exemplify intelligence is beauty. I will work hard so she knows her independence is admirable. I will continue to love her without conditions and encourage her fearlessness.

My sweet little girl, I know you are watching me. I know I will make mistakes but I will always be the best woman I can be. I want to show you a woman can be anything they want.

If you wish it, go after it, do it my love. My promise to you is to keep pushing. All things are possible with belief and hard work. I love you forever.

My greatest hope for my children

My greatest hope for my children

If you would ask me what I want to instill in my kids I could go with many typical answers. Which would be I want them to believe in themselves, be respectful, try their best, be trustworthy, and so on. I truly do want all those things for them but there is more to the picture when it comes to my parenting hopes. As their mom I think it’s my privileged duty to teach them those values. It’s my job to raise children that will have morals and be outstanding citizens. I have even bigger dreams for them. I want my kids to pursue life with a vengeance, to refuse to give up, and never hold themselves back.

If I can inspire my children to feel anything in this life it would be to not live in fear. I want them to not be afraid of the unknowns or what ifs. For them to be free of trepidation and never hold themselves back. I hope for them to see the beauty they possess and understand, wholeheartedly, anything is possible. I wish for them to soak in life’s abundance of experiences and be okay with occasional failure. I want them to understand passion can come from unexpected places that includes fear and hardships. I hope they get we only have one beautiful and hopefully long life, so live fully.

I hope they grow and learn from each mistake. I wish for them to laugh daily and love fully. I want their fears to promote excitement and never-ending adventures.

I want my kids to pursue life with a vengeance, to refuse to give up, and never hold themselves back. If there is one thing I accomplish in my lifetime it’s not only for my kids to know I love them endlessly but for them to live fearless. To my kids I hope I inspire strength, love, possibility, and most of all the power to not be hindered by fear. I love you my precious babies.

Learning to Be Positive When You Are Feeling Overwhelmed

Learning to Be Positive When You Are Feeling Overwhelmed

Okayso it is time for me to meet a positive with my (unfortunate) continuous trip down the rabbit hole of negativity. Call it anxiety or whatever…I need to remind myself just how beautiful my life is. My husband calls it nagging, I call it stress, we both need to realize its all going to be okay. I know for every single pessimistic thing I think, or comes out my mouth, there is a greater and more positive outlook.

Maybe my kitchen is a constant mess with crumbs, never-ending dishes, and sticky floors BUT my kids have healthy meals and full tummies.

And what about my baby that won’t stop crying… (I have to remind myself) at least she can express her emotions.

Now the car needs expensive repairs (great)! I’m lucky to have a good vehicle though.

While I am at it, it would really be nice get alone time, but my hubby always comes home late from work. Snap out of it! You have a hard working dedicated partner.  

You know what!? I also HATE my post-pregnancy body. However, I carried and birthed 3 healthy kids (so blessed). I also have the ability to CHANGE what I don’t like.

Hmmmm while I’m at it I really don’t want to cook dinner. BUUTTT at least we have food for me to do so- thank you.

Dannnng I  also missed my deadline to post on my blog- no! Change that thought.  I  have an amazing family that keeps me busy.

Crap- my home is so cluttered but we have items to sit on, eat on, touch, and use.

If you look for the negative you will find it. I choose to not soak in it, if I think with a poor outlook I’m going to meet it with a positive. I realize most of my stresses are because I am lucky enough to have a home filled with love. What causes me anxiety also gives me joy. If you want to bring happiness to yourself and feel happy, you have to be positive person. It may take hard work but it’s possible if you strive to work on the inner you.

Keep going!

Hiding possibly having Lupus from my family

Hiding possibly having Lupus from my family

I can think of a long list of reasons why I am more comfortable not telling my loved ones about my health issues. My hesitation to open up to people comes from many places. Having a possible autoimmune disease combined with being overly private caused me to shut down completely. I pushed everyone close to me away. My thought was if nobody was close to me I wouldn’t have to tell them.  I fear feeling any type of vulnerability.

I didn’t want to make a big deal about something I knew nothing about. I am not even sure I have Lupus. Why tell about something if it (possibly) was nothing to be concerned about. I was trying to wrap my head around everything that was happening. The last thing I wanted is to open the doors for others to ask questions I didn’t have answers to. I was already overwhelmed without input from my family.

I know this is the time I should of reached out to people. For most people, the belief is, you would get support and understanding. For some reason I’ve never felt confident in that thought. I’d rather deal with it on my own without out the risk of any type of judgement. I didn’t want anyone to see me as having something wrong with me or not being capable.

I like to portray myself as a strong and fiercely independent. I’ve had really difficult days that turn into weeks and now months. I fight through it the best I can. The possibility of being looked at as weak or sickly caused me to become a hermit. I didn’t want to be seen while experiencing these health issues. I am the type of person that wants to help not be helped. My ego really took a hit realizing this isn’t something I can control, while my pride just wanted everything to be okay.

One of the reasons I’m  guarded is because I don’t like attention. I prefer people to not be concerned about me. This was a very difficult situation not knowing what the result of all my testing and appointments would be. Before I opened up I wanted to be able to clearly tell people what was going on. I was scared my loved one’s view of me would change. The frustration I have with my body feels like a betrayal. I often tried to pretend to be full of energy and not feel any type of discomfort, but it only cause more harm. I would pay for it the next day often into the week.

In my heart I knew not telling the people closest to me wasn’t beneficial. Although I didn’t understand the disease or how much it would effect me I knew it was important to stop being so closed off. I was tired of feeling like I had to hide what I was experiencing. I finally opened up to a select amount of people in my family. There was a huge sense of relief and freedom. Most of all I was no longer exhausting myself physically and mentally trying to conceal what was happening.

I, now,  have told mostly everyone that I consider close to me. I still am reserved with how much  I divulge. My loved ones will never know the amount I go through unless they spend time with me in length and I am unable to hid it. Even when I describe my symptoms I try to be full of life in that moment. I have been amazed with the love and support I’ve received. I even get messages with possible remedies, recipes, and possible causes to my symptoms. I have only one or two people make me feel judged which I won’t lie is disturbing.

For me, it became less about what others thought and more about releasing unnecessary stress. If I have learned anything it is to stop holding myself back. It does absolutely nothing for me except prevent me from growing.

This has been an eye opening experience for me. I see clearer than ever what I lack and what I need to improve on. When you loose control of the very basics you realize how much you held yourself back when you could of done anything.  I’m still learning to stop overthinking everything and allow myself to live. Telling my loved ones gave me the ability to fully be myself without guilt. Now I can focus on bettering my health while loving my kids and hubby.

 

I am determined to keep going and push myself to be the version of me.