Browsed by
Month: March 2017

What Blogging Means to Me

What Blogging Means to Me

I first started to blog as an escape, as a outlet for me to express myself. There is no judgement when I write, just my freedom. To have the ability to accurately convey my thoughts through my writing is just what I need. Before I started to blog I felt lost. Independently I had no clue who I was. I, of course, have always been a proud mom and wife but questioned who I was without those titles. That all changed, not only do I know me but I love me. I value who I am and my writing helped me get there.

Being an active blogger has allowed me a little space in the world that’s just mine. I have a voice to be heard, no matter the content. If there is one thing I’ve learned from blogging it’s to write about what’s on your mind, what you love, or what you’re going through, just to name a few. It was a process to sit down and let the words flow organically. I gave myself the permission to be open through my writing and let go of the reservation or fear.

Blogging has been a journey that has changed my life. It forced me to take a closer look at my inner-self. At times I saw things I despised and vowed to improve on, in the same instance,  it helped me focus on my strengths. It’s given me a silent confidence that has been missing for so long. 

I started to blog around the same time my health issues started to take over. I didn’t even realize the two coincided. I had a “reason” for each problem I was experiencing from anxiety to fatigue… there had to be a explanation.  My writings became my therapy and a form to reflect on what was occurring.

My anxiety led me to push myself to begin blogging. I felt like the only time I could get a hold of myself was when I wrote. If I felt negative I wrote what it took to be positive. I’d express what it takes to overcome obstacles, where to find strength, or how to love yourself. All things I struggled with. Those writings made it possible for me to grow, I gained perspective, and most of I fell in love with me.

Blogging regularly gave me just what I needed when I needed it. The process has been eye-opening and has given me insight I couldn’t have gotten anywhere else. It’s me, in my own words. The power of being a blogger is something I will forever be thankful for and cherish.

My Family Gets the Worse Side of Me

My Family Gets the Worse Side of Me

My family gets the worse side of me. It’s sad to admit but it’s the truth. The always tired, in constant pain, forgetful, battling anxiety, need to eat specific foods, can’t go in the sun, side of me. They see me at my lowest.. the moments I try to hide from everyone else. I have the ability to overcome, I’ll fight my hardest, but my family allows me to be at my weakest. They give me the time needed to find my strength, a chance to rest and be vulnerable. They love me regardless, they’re the reason I am okay with my disease.

Here’s the honest truth, I feel a ton of guilt. I get overwhelmed by all that has changed. The need for me to alter so many things not only in my life but my families as well. So much is no longer in my control. I’m a burden… at least that’s how I feel. My kids have to be more responsible, my husband does practically everything, my mom plans to stay with me a few days every week, and if I get fed up and try to do more it hurts.

My family sees the worst side of me because I feel safe to do so. All the moments I am up I have double down. I avoid showing others the extent of my illness, not due to embarrassment but because I want to show strength. I need everyone to see I WILL conquer this. To know I refuse to give in. This is only one part of my story, it doesn’t define me.

This is what I have. It’s not going to change or go away, I have to accept it. I will learn to manage my disease and love the lesson. I am stronger despite of it. I see life in a whole new way. I value myself more than ever before.

My family sees the worse side of me and they love me anyway. They appreciate the moments of energy I get and take pride in being my support. This has taught me so much about me, my life, my family. I’ll forever be grateful and LIVE to the fullest of my ability.

There is beauty in everything, even when it feels impossible to find. There’s moments of frustration, I feel desperate and angry at times. The weirdest things happen after those emotions occur… I get this indescribable push for more, to be more, to do more, to try more. The desire to not give up and show I will get through this. The drive to figure it out while accepting the things I cannot change. My realization is I am the one to determine whether I thrive, even on the down days. I may not be in the best health but I still have life, I have love. That’s all  I need...

 

How I Found the Strength to Love Me

How I Found the Strength to Love Me

Here I am, another day trying to find the energy to write. I really have nothing to complain about. I know I am blessed and I am thankful for each one of my blessings. The truth is a month ago I was a lot worse. Even when I was at my lowest point I fully understood there are a lot worse positions I could be in. I can deal with my discomfort and pain, I can try to find solutions, I have the ability to try. In my weakest moments I focus on that. I will not let my frustrations make me loose sight of how bright my world is. I’ve realized, Life has a way of teaching you the lessons you need to learn.

Everyone has something and this is mine. I am strong enough to get through this. I am capable of fighting for myself. My eyes have really been open in the most beautiful way. I see all that I took advantage of, the things I didn’t recognize as a privilege. Everything has changed in my life.

I still get mad and will be consumed with guilt. Everyone has had to help around me, from my husband to my kids. It is daunting to think of being any type of burden to them. Here’s the thing, I am so very lucky. My support system is what gets me through everyday. The love I have received is overwhelming. To be completely transparent those who made me feel adversely I had to cutout or limit my interactions, this includes family. You really learn what and who matters. What to focus on and who to put your energy into. I have to focus on my circle of happy, I refuse to be negative. When I have energy I want to spend it on being happy, finding the happy, becoming happy.

Week by week things are getting better. I am finding strength within me I never knew existed. I have such a sincere appreciation for everyday. I know that this was the lesson I needed to learn. I needed to put value on LIVING not just being alive. I’ve grown, I became a person that loves themselves. I would never take any of these difficulties back because I can finally look at myself and say I love you.

It’s sad. For a really long time I struggled with the ability to have confidence and be okay with who I was. Saying I love you was such a foreign concept to me. I couldn’t see what there was to love. Then I got sick. I had to fight for myself, I had to find a way to love me, who else could do it if not me? I gained an appreciation for who I am and I realized I’m not so bad. I am actually pretty awesome!

I accepted my limitations and flaws. I began to focus on my strengths and what makes me beautiful. I love me– for my flaws, my quirks, for all of me. Sometimes it’s hard to find that love. To look at yourself in the mirror and say I love you. I don’t think I could get through this if I didn’t feel that. My lesson was loving me and appreciating my ability to live. What would yours be? Remember no matter what YOU ARE WORTH IT!