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Month: May 2017

Don’t Take a Lifetime To Find Your Happy

Don’t Take a Lifetime To Find Your Happy

If you could take a moment, just a few minutes, to sit back and evaluate your life, do you think you could be completely honest with yourself? For there not to be a life-changing circumstance to give you perspective, just for you to have the will to look deeper and analyze if you’re living your happiest life?

It took me a long time to get here. I’d say my entire lifetime. To see who I am, accept it, and love me without apology, or the need to please others. I’m not saying I live in a way to push others away but more so, I live my happy. If I feel like it’s not conducive for me or my family I do not feel the need to but a part of it. I am more focused on my wants, my needs. It was a long twisty road to get here but I’d travel it all over again.

At times, I wish I didn’t have to experience some of the things I did in order to figure all this out, although, I know they are the reason why I am able to write this. The truth is, all I have gone through has made me a heck of a lot stronger. My perspective has been shaped in such a beautiful way. I don’t think it would ever be possible with out all the twist and turns.

For a long long lonnnngggg time I felt the need to prove myself. To my parents, to my family, to people I barely knew, and sadly I left out myself. I thought Oh, they will see my worth. They will see I don’t need them. They will see…..

No matter what I did though, I still wasn’t happy. I was the BEST mom, I was the BEST wife, I was the BEST friend, I was the BEST sister, I was the BEST daughter, I was the BEST….me? I forgot all about me. I was so focused on finding my acceptance through others, I thought would validate me, I forgot about me. In the end, I broke me.

I tumbled down the rabbit hole of being  lost, feeling useless, not recognizing myself. Because if I wasn’t the best for other people how could I even care about me? My thoughts on what made me lovable were so warped. I didn’t even think to love me. That I needed to love me in order to be loved and love others fully.

I wore a mask of strength and I wore it fiercely. I only could hope nobody would see the insecure little girl I really felt I was.

Then, it happened. Like a ton of bricks fell on me making me incapable of moving.  I was forced to take a moment, (or several consecutive months) sit back, and evaluate my life. It honestly felt like I was facing down a huge storm that only I could calm. I didn’t even know if I could or where I would start. All I did know is I needed to figure it out for me and my family, but for once mostly for me.

I had to learn to be selfish, to say no, and to pull away from the toxicity in my life. I learned to be alone and focus on myself. For me, I needed a life-changing circumstance to wake me up. To make me say HEY!! YOU’RE WORTH IT!

Years ago I would scoff I the mere thought of me blogging and actually publishing this lengthy post. I’d think why!? Who would read it, what would be the benefit?? But the reason why is simple, it for me. It’s my happy.

So, I guess this post is about you doing the same. If you’re already there GREAT! For everyone else, you’re not alone. Without the events that took place in my life I am unsure if I would of ever gained the insight I desperately needed to wake up and choose to create the life I want to live.

We ALL have our stories but not all of us hear our wake up call to find our happy. If there is anything I have learned is we one get this one life, there is no time to look back with regret, it’s all about forward movement. What can you do NOW that will improve your life and how YOU feel about you? I am ready to let go of the burdens of my past on focus on my future, on what is next, toward what is my happy.

 

 

 

 

***Please be kind, written freehand with limited edits. Thank you!***

I Wish I Could Be More Like My Toddler

I Wish I Could Be More Like My Toddler

I should take notes from my toddler. She is quite amazing. I’m not saying that just because she is my child, though I am in awe of her. She inspires me in a way I would of never expected a two year old to be able too. She is confident and fearlessly vocal. She knows her likes and dislikes, she demands love and gives it right back. She has a fierce independence with an I can figure anything out attitude. Yes, this is my little girl, my mighty two year old teaching me lessons of confidence and strength.

Maybe it’s her innocence, the world has gotten to her yet. I hope it never does, though I know it will. I guess I should say I hope the world helps her grow and she always holds on the her ability to be so full of life. She walks with a  love for herself I never have witnessed before. Like this is who I am and I like me!

This isn’t to say raising a small child that is so vocally independent is easy.  There’s plenty of battles. She is a demanding little girl and will let you know when she doesn’t like what is going on. For me, there is something amazingly beautiful about that. At times I want to pull my hair out but more often I appreciate the fact she doesn’t settle, I don’t want her to loose that.

Watching her has made me grow. I’ve taken a closer look at myself and realized I stuffed a lot of who I am down. I feared not being accepted or loved. One day I was explaining to my mom how my daughter was, through my exhaustion I was saying it was hard to keep up with her. I exclaimed “where does she get this boldness from!?” My mom looked at  me a laughed. I was baffled, I looked at her confused. She simply said ” she’s just like you”.  It was like a flash went through my head, I was able to remember all those “little” things I wouldn’t give in on as a child or how I never wanted anything done for me because I knew I could do it myself. In that glimpse of a moment I was jolted with appreciation, for myself… for my little girl.

I am blessed beyond anything I could imagine. My life is full of love, I get the chance to raise two precious boys and a little girl. She is a tough, beautiful, fearless, independent, caring, and I will continue to encourage her tenacity to go after what she wants. I refuse to put limits on her or make her feel like it’s not okay to be bold. I will teach her boundaries, respect, and love. She is the strongest little lady I have ever known, she has taught me more about myself then I could have ever learned from years of soul searching. I am thankful for her love but most of all I appreciate her for exactly who she is.  In a crazy wonderful way I love and appreciate myself now too.

 

 

 

 

** This post was freehand with limited edits, Please be kind. Thank you**

 

I am Unapologetically Me & Accepting My Circumstance

I am Unapologetically Me & Accepting My Circumstance

Finally taking the time to sit down and write.. I am not sure how long it’s been since I opened my laptop and let the words flow freely. It’s been a crazy time in my life. I am facing things I never thought I would have to. I’ve been forced to be vulnerable and open with others. In one way it’s a blessing in a whole other way it’s scary as heck.

I no longer feel the need to hide behind a veil, for that I am so thankful. I am unapologetically me, it is freeing beyond anything I have ever felt before. I am much more aware of what I do, how I do it, why I do what I do… I love that I see my imperfections, as odd as that sounds, it has opened up an acceptance toward myself.

I could sit here and say going through my hardships (this disease mainly) is horrible and exclaim how pissed I am that I was given no choice. That’s not me though. There was a huge lesson learned, a beautiful lesson. I value me and the people I allow in my life. I say allow because I don’t HAVE to have any particular person be a part of my journey. I choose who I share it with. I am making conscious decisions everyday. I am more calculated in the way I spend my time and who I spend it with. So, do all the ups and downs suck… HECK YEA but in the end I win because I have a greater love and appreciation for life than I ever have before. The small moments, the big moments, all of them.

It’s not like I woke up one day and it all just made sense. I didn’t easily understand the dynamic of what I was experiencing or how it would change my life. A lot of times I feel nobody gets it at first, no matter what you’re going through. Everyone has a story and you were chosen for that specific circumstance for a reason. Instead of questioning why me ask why not me? What is my lesson??

I accept myself, I am able to ask for help and lean on others, I’ve gained the ability to trust not only my loved ones but myself. I have struggled with insecurities my whole life often masked with a sarcasm and wit. I am that girl still but now I don’t have time for low self-esteem. I have to love me, there is no choice.

Everyday I wake up is a good day. I get to kiss my husband, hold my kids, and love my life. Experiencing all I have the last year or so I’ve seen just how precious it all is. My mortality has been put into focus and I will shine a light on living. It’s not always going to be easy but it will ALWAYS be worth it.

 

 

 

**This is unedited, I posted right after writing so please bare with me. I may be doing more freehand post more often. THANK YOU**