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Month: July 2017

For Anyone Who Experiences Anxiety & Feels Alone

For Anyone Who Experiences Anxiety & Feels Alone

The craving for a free mind. One without worry or hesitation. A mind that isn’t scared of what if’s or fears the never gonna happen. One that has the courage to step up, to be strong regardless, to know it’ll all be okay. O, the craving for a simplified thought process, a calm, the ability to relax. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and believe this is all possible.

Anyone who experiences anxiety knows the debilitating effects it can have. The obsession to be in control and the tension of wondering when it will show up again. You push those you love the most away hoping you don’t hurt them, because every single time no matter how hard you try you do. You fight, you say things to release the craze you feel inside, you do whatever you can to rid yourself of the desperate uncontrolled emotions.

I’d like to tell you it gets easier, that it’s a phase and you’ll outgrow it. I’d like to help by cheering you on when you get through an anxiety attack, even though we both know another one can quite possibly be around the corner. The truth is I can’t tell you those things, I can’t guarantee any type of healing. I can, however, tell you it gets better… IF you take the steps for yourself. You have to understand this is not your fault and there are ways to cope.

I will be the first to say for a long time I was in denial about my issues. I thought there was no possible way I had anxiety. I thrived in a position of mental strength and held myself accountable to that. I refused to ever give up or be defeated. I believed I could accomplish anything as long as I worked hard, believed, and never gave up. It was a shocker when I lacked any type of comprehension on how to defeat this invisible monster. This beast that controlled me and created chaos in my life.

I thought I was on the verge of losing my mind. Why is it so hard for me to get over stuff? Why can’t I catch my breath? Why is everyone bothering me so intensely? Why didn’t this or that happen? What if this or that happens? Whhhyyy??? WHHAATT?? And so on…

Does this sound familiar at all?? Can you not gain composure? It’s okay, you’re not alone. For me, I felt an immense amount of shame and embarrassment. How can someone who prided themselves on mental toughness have anxiety?! In that question lays the answer: anxiety does not discriminate. Anyone can have it. Even those you believe are the strongest or have the most perfect life. It doesn’t care who you are, anxiety is not something to be ashamed of.

It took me a long time to realize that, even longer to admit I needed help, and probably way too long to open up about the difficulty of my anxiety. Everyone has different experiences, things that trigger them, how they started having it, etc. For some, life events caused them to start experiencing it, others it can be due to disease or illness. We are all made differently and it’s okay if your story is unique. What is important is to recognize you may need help and seek it.

I almost lost everything. Not because anyone wanted to leave me but because I tried to push everyone away, including my kids. It breaks my entire being to think how blind I was because of this. I caused so much pain to myself and hid. I had to admit to myself and my family I needed help. That honestly was the hardest part. To admit it… To know I couldn’t take care of this on my own. Miss Independent needed help.. You know what I learned?? So freakin’ what!?!  I need help, I have anxiety, I got help, and now I’m learning to be happier. Are there hard days, yes! But there’s a lot less of them than before.

This post is for anyone and everyone who has anxiety, has a loved one with anxiety, or isn’t sure if they have it. Nothing is ever wrong with seeking help or talking to someone you trust. Our imperfections make us beautiful. Don’t deny yourself a happy life, take the steps necessary to help yourself and the ones you love. KEEP GOING!




***Please be kind, written freehand with limited edits***

Stop Playing Mind Games with Yourself

Stop Playing Mind Games with Yourself

You ever play mind games with yourself? You tell yourself whatever ever you’re feeling isn’t real and you have the ability to somehow control it. You have the urge to escape reality, bc the constant lack of control causes you to feel crazy?

It’s all in my head… it’s all in  my head…. Wait, is it all in my head??… it’s still there… maybe it’s not all in my head. Maybe just maybe I don’t have the ability to control it… Sooo ummm what do I do now?

The continual barrage of thoughts makes me feel even more insane. Having the desire for answers.. a permanent solution.  In those aching moments  I look around and see just how great my life is. I have so much to be thankful for. So, I can’t get over this… these annoying, chronic, life-altering issues. I mean hey, I am able to be here, present, I am able to adjust.

You have to realize, you can’t always make what you want happen. Sometimes life has other plans, lessons you need to learn. My advice…work hard, keep your head up, and enjoy the journey. I never expected my life to take the turn it did. Gradually every. single. thing. changed.  The greatest occurance through all this unwanted change is it’s just what I needed. I learned to let go, to trust, to be unapologetically me… I learned what to focus on…I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought. There were so many lessons I needed to fully grasp.

The hardest part is the mind game. You have to train your brain to be think the way you want it to. I’ve realized a lot of my thoughts hindered me. Although I always prided myself on being mentally strong, there’s some stuff you can’t just be strong about.

There’s times you need to feel the hurt, be in pain, wonder why… if you are able to rise from that then those experiences make you strong. They make you truly understand the depth of hurt and what resilience is.

Yes, sometimes I want to change my circumstance. I want to proclaim, today I will not be in pain!  I’ll be able to do whatever I choose to and will not have any limitations. Then, something happens and I am tossed back into the reality of my constant. However, there is something different, something I could’ve never EVER gotten without this constant pain in my a**, it’s one of the most precious gifts besides love and family.  I have appreciation and gratitude.

I VALUE myself, my time,  and my loved ones.

It’s a crazy wonderful feeling. To love and hate something so life changing all at once. I want to run, jump, and play but I know it’s not possible. I am ,however, still alive and capable of doing soooo much. I have one disability combined with a few other not so fun stuff but I know there is worse. I bare this with pride. I am appreciative for my lesson, for my reason to grow and prosper.

It may be hard, you may even hate yourself until you get through it. Just don’t forget there’s always a reason, a lesson, or  valuable insight. Don’t ever give  up, KEEP GOING!!



***Please be kind, wrote freehand with limited edits**