You ever play mind games with yourself? You tell yourself whatever ever you’re feeling isn’t real and you have the ability to somehow control it. You have the urge to escape reality, bc the constant lack of control causes you to feel crazy?
It’s all in my head… it’s all in my head…. Wait, is it all in my head??… it’s still there… maybe it’s not all in my head. Maybe just maybe I don’t have the ability to control it… Sooo ummm what do I do now?
The continual barrage of thoughts makes me feel even more insane. Having the desire for answers.. a permanent solution. In those aching moments I look around and see just how great my life is. I have so much to be thankful for. So, I can’t get over this… these annoying, chronic, life-altering issues. I mean hey, I am able to be here, present, I am able to adjust.
You have to realize, you can’t always make what you want happen. Sometimes life has other plans, lessons you need to learn. My advice…work hard, keep your head up, and enjoy the journey. I never expected my life to take the turn it did. Gradually every. single. thing. changed. The greatest occurance through all this unwanted change is it’s just what I needed. I learned to let go, to trust, to be unapologetically me… I learned what to focus on…I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought. There were so many lessons I needed to fully grasp.
The hardest part is the mind game. You have to train your brain to be think the way you want it to. I’ve realized a lot of my thoughts hindered me. Although I always prided myself on being mentally strong, there’s some stuff you can’t just be strong about.
There’s times you need to feel the hurt, be in pain, wonder why… if you are able to rise from that then those experiences make you strong. They make you truly understand the depth of hurt and what resilience is.
Yes, sometimes I want to change my circumstance. I want to proclaim, today I will not be in pain! I’ll be able to do whatever I choose to and will not have any limitations. Then, something happens and I am tossed back into the reality of my constant. However, there is something different, something I could’ve never EVER gotten without this constant pain in my a**, it’s one of the most precious gifts besides love and family. I have appreciation and gratitude.
I VALUE myself, my time, and my loved ones.
It’s a crazy wonderful feeling. To love and hate something so life changing all at once. I want to run, jump, and play but I know it’s not possible. I am ,however, still alive and capable of doing soooo much. I have one disability combined with a few other not so fun stuff but I know there is worse. I bare this with pride. I am appreciative for my lesson, for my reason to grow and prosper.
It may be hard, you may even hate yourself until you get through it. Just don’t forget there’s always a reason, a lesson, or valuable insight. Don’t ever give up, KEEP GOING!!
***Please be kind, wrote freehand with limited edits**