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Category: anxiety

For Anyone Who Experiences Anxiety & Feels Alone

For Anyone Who Experiences Anxiety & Feels Alone

The craving for a free mind. One without worry or hesitation. A mind that isn’t scared of what if’s or fears the never gonna happen. One that has the courage to step up, to be strong regardless, to know it’ll all be okay. O, the craving for a simplified thought process, a calm, the ability to relax. Close your eyes, take deep breaths, and believe this is all possible.

Anyone who experiences anxiety knows the debilitating effects it can have. The obsession to be in control and the tension of wondering when it will show up again. You push those you love the most away hoping you don’t hurt them, because every single time no matter how hard you try you do. You fight, you say things to release the craze you feel inside, you do whatever you can to rid yourself of the desperate uncontrolled emotions.

I’d like to tell you it gets easier, that it’s a phase and you’ll outgrow it. I’d like to help by cheering you on when you get through an anxiety attack, even though we both know another one can quite possibly be around the corner. The truth is I can’t tell you those things, I can’t guarantee any type of healing. I can, however, tell you it gets better… IF you take the steps for yourself. You have to understand this is not your fault and there are ways to cope.

I will be the first to say for a long time I was in denial about my issues. I thought there was no possible way I had anxiety. I thrived in a position of mental strength and held myself accountable to that. I refused to ever give up or be defeated. I believed I could accomplish anything as long as I worked hard, believed, and never gave up. It was a shocker when I lacked any type of comprehension on how to defeat this invisible monster. This beast that controlled me and created chaos in my life.

I thought I was on the verge of losing my mind. Why is it so hard for me to get over stuff? Why can’t I catch my breath? Why is everyone bothering me so intensely? Why didn’t this or that happen? What if this or that happens? Whhhyyy??? WHHAATT?? And so on…

Does this sound familiar at all?? Can you not gain composure? It’s okay, you’re not alone. For me, I felt an immense amount of shame and embarrassment. How can someone who prided themselves on mental toughness have anxiety?! In that question lays the answer: anxiety does not discriminate. Anyone can have it. Even those you believe are the strongest or have the most perfect life. It doesn’t care who you are, anxiety is not something to be ashamed of.

It took me a long time to realize that, even longer to admit I needed help, and probably way too long to open up about the difficulty of my anxiety. Everyone has different experiences, things that trigger them, how they started having it, etc. For some, life events caused them to start experiencing it, others it can be due to disease or illness. We are all made differently and it’s okay if your story is unique. What is important is to recognize you may need help and seek it.

I almost lost everything. Not because anyone wanted to leave me but because I tried to push everyone away, including my kids. It breaks my entire being to think how blind I was because of this. I caused so much pain to myself and hid. I had to admit to myself and my family I needed help. That honestly was the hardest part. To admit it… To know I couldn’t take care of this on my own. Miss Independent needed help.. You know what I learned?? So freakin’ what!?!  I need help, I have anxiety, I got help, and now I’m learning to be happier. Are there hard days, yes! But there’s a lot less of them than before.

This post is for anyone and everyone who has anxiety, has a loved one with anxiety, or isn’t sure if they have it. Nothing is ever wrong with seeking help or talking to someone you trust. Our imperfections make us beautiful. Don’t deny yourself a happy life, take the steps necessary to help yourself and the ones you love. KEEP GOING!

 

 

 

***Please be kind, written freehand with limited edits***

Stop Playing Mind Games with Yourself

Stop Playing Mind Games with Yourself

You ever play mind games with yourself? You tell yourself whatever ever you’re feeling isn’t real and you have the ability to somehow control it. You have the urge to escape reality, bc the constant lack of control causes you to feel crazy?

It’s all in my head… it’s all in  my head…. Wait, is it all in my head??… it’s still there… maybe it’s not all in my head. Maybe just maybe I don’t have the ability to control it… Sooo ummm what do I do now?

The continual barrage of thoughts makes me feel even more insane. Having the desire for answers.. a permanent solution.  In those aching moments  I look around and see just how great my life is. I have so much to be thankful for. So, I can’t get over this… these annoying, chronic, life-altering issues. I mean hey, I am able to be here, present, I am able to adjust.

You have to realize, you can’t always make what you want happen. Sometimes life has other plans, lessons you need to learn. My advice…work hard, keep your head up, and enjoy the journey. I never expected my life to take the turn it did. Gradually every. single. thing. changed.  The greatest occurance through all this unwanted change is it’s just what I needed. I learned to let go, to trust, to be unapologetically me… I learned what to focus on…I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought. There were so many lessons I needed to fully grasp.

The hardest part is the mind game. You have to train your brain to be think the way you want it to. I’ve realized a lot of my thoughts hindered me. Although I always prided myself on being mentally strong, there’s some stuff you can’t just be strong about.

There’s times you need to feel the hurt, be in pain, wonder why… if you are able to rise from that then those experiences make you strong. They make you truly understand the depth of hurt and what resilience is.

Yes, sometimes I want to change my circumstance. I want to proclaim, today I will not be in pain!  I’ll be able to do whatever I choose to and will not have any limitations. Then, something happens and I am tossed back into the reality of my constant. However, there is something different, something I could’ve never EVER gotten without this constant pain in my a**, it’s one of the most precious gifts besides love and family.  I have appreciation and gratitude.

I VALUE myself, my time,  and my loved ones.

It’s a crazy wonderful feeling. To love and hate something so life changing all at once. I want to run, jump, and play but I know it’s not possible. I am ,however, still alive and capable of doing soooo much. I have one disability combined with a few other not so fun stuff but I know there is worse. I bare this with pride. I am appreciative for my lesson, for my reason to grow and prosper.

It may be hard, you may even hate yourself until you get through it. Just don’t forget there’s always a reason, a lesson, or  valuable insight. Don’t ever give  up, KEEP GOING!!

 

 

***Please be kind, wrote freehand with limited edits**

To My Husband, I Know This Isn’t Easy

To My Husband, I Know This Isn’t Easy

I’m not surprised, I know it’s hard to deal with this. This beast. It’s taken over our lives. There are ups and downs, small wins with lots of trying to comprehend what is going on with my body. It would be hard on anyone, but he has been my rock. Everyone has their breaking point, where it all just seems to be overwhelming.  I’ve had to lean on people more than I ever have my entire adult life. But he, he has been incredible. As soon as he realized the depth of my pain and discomfort he has been my shield. He has been my warmth, he has been my everything. 

We’ve always had an amazing relationship. From the moment we met sparks flew. I was in denial for a good while but he is surely the one person I need most in this world. He has been my anchor, my best friend, my entire being.

I often have a waves of guilt, feeling like this isn’t what he signed up for. I get lost in my own thoughts a lot of time, thinking this isn’t how it was meant to be. For him, for me. I place a huge amount of blame on myself. Maybe if I was stronger, or if I could figure this out on my own- then I wouldn’t stress him. I feel like such a burden although he reassures me I am not, I know this is all consuming.

I saw our love story so different. I thought I’d be able to love him vigorously without any limitations. I am not who I was. I feel weak, not just physically but for the first time I feel it mentally as well. All of me has been attacked.

All I need is for him to know I love him, that I appreciate all he does, and I know this isn’t easy. I feel it in my bones, in my mind…in my heart. The comfort of unconditional love he has provided me has been more than I could of ever hoped for. The love of my life is truly my rock. He is protective and caring, he is warm and loving, I am the luckiest woman in the world. I can only hope he knows I feel the extent of his love.

You’re always told marriage will have its obstacles, your told to always put each other first and love without conditions. We honestly never expected this and even with a curve ball thrown I have seen a side of him that has made me fall deeper in love, I didn’t even know that was possible… to love him more. I loved him before I even knew what love was, he’s shown me beauty and has challenged me in every way I can think of…in the best ways. 

I just want to say thank you. I am so honored you choose me. With my flaws you still love me, with my illness you still love ME, with everything you still love me. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a great love but I will forever hold it tight.

I love you

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Written freehand with limited edits. Please be kind. Thank you***

I am Unapologetically Me & Accepting My Circumstance

I am Unapologetically Me & Accepting My Circumstance

Finally taking the time to sit down and write.. I am not sure how long it’s been since I opened my laptop and let the words flow freely. It’s been a crazy time in my life. I am facing things I never thought I would have to. I’ve been forced to be vulnerable and open with others. In one way it’s a blessing in a whole other way it’s scary as heck.

I no longer feel the need to hide behind a veil, for that I am so thankful. I am unapologetically me, it is freeing beyond anything I have ever felt before. I am much more aware of what I do, how I do it, why I do what I do… I love that I see my imperfections, as odd as that sounds, it has opened up an acceptance toward myself.

I could sit here and say going through my hardships (this disease mainly) is horrible and exclaim how pissed I am that I was given no choice. That’s not me though. There was a huge lesson learned, a beautiful lesson. I value me and the people I allow in my life. I say allow because I don’t HAVE to have any particular person be a part of my journey. I choose who I share it with. I am making conscious decisions everyday. I am more calculated in the way I spend my time and who I spend it with. So, do all the ups and downs suck… HECK YEA but in the end I win because I have a greater love and appreciation for life than I ever have before. The small moments, the big moments, all of them.

It’s not like I woke up one day and it all just made sense. I didn’t easily understand the dynamic of what I was experiencing or how it would change my life. A lot of times I feel nobody gets it at first, no matter what you’re going through. Everyone has a story and you were chosen for that specific circumstance for a reason. Instead of questioning why me ask why not me? What is my lesson??

I accept myself, I am able to ask for help and lean on others, I’ve gained the ability to trust not only my loved ones but myself. I have struggled with insecurities my whole life often masked with a sarcasm and wit. I am that girl still but now I don’t have time for low self-esteem. I have to love me, there is no choice.

Everyday I wake up is a good day. I get to kiss my husband, hold my kids, and love my life. Experiencing all I have the last year or so I’ve seen just how precious it all is. My mortality has been put into focus and I will shine a light on living. It’s not always going to be easy but it will ALWAYS be worth it.

 

 

 

**This is unedited, I posted right after writing so please bare with me. I may be doing more freehand post more often. THANK YOU**

How I Found the Strength to Love Me

How I Found the Strength to Love Me

Here I am, another day trying to find the energy to write. I really have nothing to complain about. I know I am blessed and I am thankful for each one of my blessings. The truth is a month ago I was a lot worse. Even when I was at my lowest point I fully understood there are a lot worse positions I could be in. I can deal with my discomfort and pain, I can try to find solutions, I have the ability to try. In my weakest moments I focus on that. I will not let my frustrations make me loose sight of how bright my world is. I’ve realized, Life has a way of teaching you the lessons you need to learn.

Everyone has something and this is mine. I am strong enough to get through this. I am capable of fighting for myself. My eyes have really been open in the most beautiful way. I see all that I took advantage of, the things I didn’t recognize as a privilege. Everything has changed in my life.

I still get mad and will be consumed with guilt. Everyone has had to help around me, from my husband to my kids. It is daunting to think of being any type of burden to them. Here’s the thing, I am so very lucky. My support system is what gets me through everyday. The love I have received is overwhelming. To be completely transparent those who made me feel adversely I had to cutout or limit my interactions, this includes family. You really learn what and who matters. What to focus on and who to put your energy into. I have to focus on my circle of happy, I refuse to be negative. When I have energy I want to spend it on being happy, finding the happy, becoming happy.

Week by week things are getting better. I am finding strength within me I never knew existed. I have such a sincere appreciation for everyday. I know that this was the lesson I needed to learn. I needed to put value on LIVING not just being alive. I’ve grown, I became a person that loves themselves. I would never take any of these difficulties back because I can finally look at myself and say I love you.

It’s sad. For a really long time I struggled with the ability to have confidence and be okay with who I was. Saying I love you was such a foreign concept to me. I couldn’t see what there was to love. Then I got sick. I had to fight for myself, I had to find a way to love me, who else could do it if not me? I gained an appreciation for who I am and I realized I’m not so bad. I am actually pretty awesome!

I accepted my limitations and flaws. I began to focus on my strengths and what makes me beautiful. I love me– for my flaws, my quirks, for all of me. Sometimes it’s hard to find that love. To look at yourself in the mirror and say I love you. I don’t think I could get through this if I didn’t feel that. My lesson was loving me and appreciating my ability to live. What would yours be? Remember no matter what YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Why You Need To Take CONTROL

Why You Need To Take CONTROL

Most of us have gone through some type of difficulty in our life. I always hear people say things like “live life to the fullest” or “be fearless”, and wonder if they genuinely know the secret to applying those mantras to their life. Is it really a secret? I mean, seriously, how does someone truly know how to live fully!? Where does the courage to be fearless come from? I’m that person who overly plans everything and asks way too many what if’s. What does it take for our eyes to be opened and our perception transformed? 

When I started to have health issues and learned I may have Lupus my world completely changed and my outlook slowly morphed. Simply put, I got fed up and decided to take control. I have learned more about myself than ever before through this unexpected experience. I took ownership and recognized I needed to change my mindset.

I reevaluated my entire life, learning what I liked about myself and what I wanted to improve on. Why does it take a hardship or adversity for us to rise to the occasion? Why do we wait till something is happening for something to be done? This doesn’t only go for health issues. It applies to anything in life, any trial, any failure, any lost hope. It took for me to no longer be in control to see just how much I allowed life to pass and not live it. How sad is that? It’s completely insane that I had to be laid out on my sofa night after night to say I want more. I want more from myself, for family, toward my dreams. The lack of value I put on myself was pathetic. Why would anyone see greatness in me if I didn’t see it in myself!? I made a promise in those moments, if I ever was not feeling so ill I’d rise up. I wouldn’t find an excuse, or say I can’t, I’d no longer be fearful. It was time for the fiercest part of me to come alive. I just repeated to myself over and over I am going to gain control and own it!

I don’t want to say “Hey, guys this is a super easy process.” There will surely be ups and downs, however, it will be the most beautiful breakthrough. The hard work feels like accomplishment and is so rewarding. I promise you that! You deserve to shine, push your limits, surprise yourself.  Be determined to show yourself how great you are.

Take a moment to step back and envision what you want for your life. Think about your goals from career to family and health with anything in between. Picture you being happy and attaining everything you visualized. How do you get there? What steps will you take? You have the power to navigate your future no matter how scary or overwhelming. You are in CONTROL.

Let me say this as bluntly as possible, you need to value yourself, nobody can do that for you. Don’t fail yourself, there’s a bigger picture, and you are capable of achieving it. Work hard, take the steps no matter how fearful you are. It’s time to change your mind. Find the positive and keep running. Give yourself the chance to grow and achieve what you desire. You’re worth it. 

Fight to stay focused and stay on your path. Be determined to be amazing. I took control. YOU can do that too. We all can. Choose to be in control, at work, at home, in your relationship, with finances, your health, ANYTHING. If you lack happiness, find your happy. This life is too crazy and even more wonderful to not find a way to take charge.  KEEP GOING!

Today is the Day for You to Take Control

Today is the Day for You to Take Control

The day is here.

The day you decide to change your mind.

The day you pursue your greatness.

The day you no longer allow others actions to determine yours.

The day you realize you’re in control.

The day you refuse to give up.

The day you proudly say you’re worth it.

The day you no longer hide or lie to yourself to make you feel better.

The day you recognize your strengths and improve your weaknesses.

The day you promise yourself to never give up on you.

The day you proclaim what you want and unapologetically pursue it.

The day you decide to soar.

The day you will no longer look back.

The day you plan for your greatness.

The day you prepare what your legacy will be.

The day others opinions will no longer affect your future.

The day you open your eyes.

The day you see with clear vision.

The day you fill your heart.

The day you know you are forever changed.

The day you are free.

The day you depend on yourself for your happiness.

The day you finally woke up.

The day you say all things are possible.

The day you love you.

Today is the day.

The day is now.

The day is here.

Today is your day.

What People Need to Know About Gluten Intolerance

What People Need to Know About Gluten Intolerance

I was told the other day eating gluten-free isn’t very hard by someone that doesn’t have to avoid the protein. They explained seeing gluten-free foods everywhere and how it is easy. As they continued talking with their ignorant expertise, explaining to me why I shouldn’t have any issues, (talking as though I’ve changed my entire life for attention) I couldn’t help but be in complete awe. I didn’t start this conversation nor did I try to tell them why it was a must in my life. They freely decided I needed to hear their opinion. I never implied they had to adjust their needs for mine. All they knew is I’m gluten-free. I had the unpleasant realization just how insensitive some people can be. I wanted to express so many emotions to this delightful being, the feeling of frustration and hurt were difficult to convey in the moment. 

I wish I would have said I can’t tell you enough how much I want this lifestyle to be “easy”.  A huge part of me doesn’t want to be aware of gluten. I’d love the freedom to indulge in whatever I desire and not experience anxiety over accidental consumption.  Being gluten-free has had an overwhelming amount of unseen challenges. It is an immense undertaking to process what gluten is and what is does to my body. Looking at every label on foods, hygiene products, and cosmetics like a crazed person, and being in pain when you slip up is not the definition of easy. Only if there were no hidden ingredients and everything was clearly marked gluten-free.

I’d love to not think about the smallest things like my deodorant. Not to mention feeling like a burden to my loved ones.  Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do except try to maintain my health. Gluten is a nasty little ingredient that hurts so many parts of me.

Avoiding it seems “easy” but a large amount of products have hidden gluten. I’ve been forced to live a gluten-free life. It’s not because a celebrity did it or it’s the “cool”  thing to do rather if I expose myself to gluten I will become ILL. A short list of symptoms include body aches, migraines, anxiety, feeling sad, fatigue, throbbing and swollen joints, constipation, brain fog, migraines and so on. Simply put all of me is in pain.

This is not a choice, it’s a must. While I am at it, let me explain, I am fully aware things could be worse, I am thankful it is something I can manage.  I am not complaining about my intolerance but it has been life changing. I’ve altered the way I lived from my daily habits to the way I socialize. I can’t meet up and go out to eat with friends wherever I want. I can’t just stop and quickly get take out. I can’t eat freely at a barbecue.  I don’t get a chance to have a bite or a small taste of any desired foods. I don’t get to wear any make-up I like or sample perfumes. That’s not a choice for me, it my reality.

I have a disease that I CAN take control of. Although you view it as easy and no big deal this is my world. Until you experience what I am going through please do not give me your unwanted advice disguised as judgement. This is NOT for attention, this is my health, my life,  and the only way I can function at my highest capabilities.

One of the most difficult things about living with gluten-intolerance is the constant explaining to others about why I can’t expose myself to it. To you this is “easy” for me it is a daily task. You wanting to understand is valued your opinionated judgement is not. This is the only way for me.

Learning to Be Positive When You Are Feeling Overwhelmed

Learning to Be Positive When You Are Feeling Overwhelmed

Okayso it is time for me to meet a positive with my (unfortunate) continuous trip down the rabbit hole of negativity. Call it anxiety or whatever…I need to remind myself just how beautiful my life is. My husband calls it nagging, I call it stress, we both need to realize its all going to be okay. I know for every single pessimistic thing I think, or comes out my mouth, there is a greater and more positive outlook.

Maybe my kitchen is a constant mess with crumbs, never-ending dishes, and sticky floors BUT my kids have healthy meals and full tummies.

And what about my baby that won’t stop crying… (I have to remind myself) at least she can express her emotions.

Now the car needs expensive repairs (great)! I’m lucky to have a good vehicle though.

While I am at it, it would really be nice get alone time, but my hubby always comes home late from work. Snap out of it! You have a hard working dedicated partner.  

You know what!? I also HATE my post-pregnancy body. However, I carried and birthed 3 healthy kids (so blessed). I also have the ability to CHANGE what I don’t like.

Hmmmm while I’m at it I really don’t want to cook dinner. BUUTTT at least we have food for me to do so- thank you.

Dannnng I  also missed my deadline to post on my blog- no! Change that thought.  I  have an amazing family that keeps me busy.

Crap- my home is so cluttered but we have items to sit on, eat on, touch, and use.

If you look for the negative you will find it. I choose to not soak in it, if I think with a poor outlook I’m going to meet it with a positive. I realize most of my stresses are because I am lucky enough to have a home filled with love. What causes me anxiety also gives me joy. If you want to bring happiness to yourself and feel happy, you have to be positive person. It may take hard work but it’s possible if you strive to work on the inner you.

Keep going!

Hiding possibly having Lupus from my family

Hiding possibly having Lupus from my family

I can think of a long list of reasons why I am more comfortable not telling my loved ones about my health issues. My hesitation to open up to people comes from many places. Having a possible autoimmune disease combined with being overly private caused me to shut down completely. I pushed everyone close to me away. My thought was if nobody was close to me I wouldn’t have to tell them.  I fear feeling any type of vulnerability.

I didn’t want to make a big deal about something I knew nothing about. I am not even sure I have Lupus. Why tell about something if it (possibly) was nothing to be concerned about. I was trying to wrap my head around everything that was happening. The last thing I wanted is to open the doors for others to ask questions I didn’t have answers to. I was already overwhelmed without input from my family.

I know this is the time I should of reached out to people. For most people, the belief is, you would get support and understanding. For some reason I’ve never felt confident in that thought. I’d rather deal with it on my own without out the risk of any type of judgement. I didn’t want anyone to see me as having something wrong with me or not being capable.

I like to portray myself as a strong and fiercely independent. I’ve had really difficult days that turn into weeks and now months. I fight through it the best I can. The possibility of being looked at as weak or sickly caused me to become a hermit. I didn’t want to be seen while experiencing these health issues. I am the type of person that wants to help not be helped. My ego really took a hit realizing this isn’t something I can control, while my pride just wanted everything to be okay.

One of the reasons I’m  guarded is because I don’t like attention. I prefer people to not be concerned about me. This was a very difficult situation not knowing what the result of all my testing and appointments would be. Before I opened up I wanted to be able to clearly tell people what was going on. I was scared my loved one’s view of me would change. The frustration I have with my body feels like a betrayal. I often tried to pretend to be full of energy and not feel any type of discomfort, but it only cause more harm. I would pay for it the next day often into the week.

In my heart I knew not telling the people closest to me wasn’t beneficial. Although I didn’t understand the disease or how much it would effect me I knew it was important to stop being so closed off. I was tired of feeling like I had to hide what I was experiencing. I finally opened up to a select amount of people in my family. There was a huge sense of relief and freedom. Most of all I was no longer exhausting myself physically and mentally trying to conceal what was happening.

I, now,  have told mostly everyone that I consider close to me. I still am reserved with how much  I divulge. My loved ones will never know the amount I go through unless they spend time with me in length and I am unable to hid it. Even when I describe my symptoms I try to be full of life in that moment. I have been amazed with the love and support I’ve received. I even get messages with possible remedies, recipes, and possible causes to my symptoms. I have only one or two people make me feel judged which I won’t lie is disturbing.

For me, it became less about what others thought and more about releasing unnecessary stress. If I have learned anything it is to stop holding myself back. It does absolutely nothing for me except prevent me from growing.

This has been an eye opening experience for me. I see clearer than ever what I lack and what I need to improve on. When you loose control of the very basics you realize how much you held yourself back when you could of done anything.  I’m still learning to stop overthinking everything and allow myself to live. Telling my loved ones gave me the ability to fully be myself without guilt. Now I can focus on bettering my health while loving my kids and hubby.

 

I am determined to keep going and push myself to be the version of me.