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Is Being Selfish Necessary with Chronic Disease?

Is Being Selfish Necessary with Chronic Disease?

Have you ever sat back and realized how selfish you are? No matter what you do, you have to think of yourself first, and then you can worry about others. For me, it feels so foreign. I have always felt pride in being that person people can count on. The one that will always listen and be there however I can.  Now, it’s all about me, no matter how hard I try to make it not be. It took me a long time to recognize that it’s not that I don’t want to be that person, but more I can’t be.

When it comes to chronic illness you have to learn boundaries. You have to accept that your health will be affected by the smallest things. Maybe that means being selfish, but I’d rather take care of myself than be sick. People might get tired of the constant talk of new symptoms or the phrase “I can’t because of…”  but this is your forever. We can get better, no we will get better but we can’t pretend to be what we are not. We have to continually monitor our health and there are no short cuts.

A lot of times I feel like a bad mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, etc. I want to be a stronger force in the people I love lives. I want to listen to crazy things happening or enjoy barbecuing together. I’d love to have energy for an entire day to shop and go out to eat. I want them to know I love them dearly, and try everyday to feel good, so I can get to those things. I have as many good thoughts as I can (because that’s the cure, right!?). I meet every negative with twice as much positives. I work hard to get better so I can be me. I fight to show I care. I get overwhelmed when thinking this might be the new me. The all about me, me.

This isn’t something I can outrun or hide from. I tried, and failed miserably. It only made my health worse. So, I guess the question is can there be balance between maintaining my health and relationships?

The last few years of dealing with all these ups and downs I’ve been taught many lessons. I learned to not be so hard on myself or others. I learned to be okay with not being in complete control of absolutely everything. I’ve accepted some relationships aren’t meant to be. I have accepted that I will always have to manage my disease. Most of all I have realized there are no mistakes, I was suppose to learn something from this, and I am so lucky I did.

I am not going to feel bad. This is the way it is. I love myself enough to know being selfish is what is necessary.  I can love my loved ones harder because I am taking care of me. Any other way just won’t work. Realizing it’s okay to put me first so I can enjoy my life and the people in it has made this whole process a little easier. Getting rid of the guilt has been a challenge that I continue to maneuver through. I’ve learned the best thing I can do is to keep pushing. I refuse to give in, I met each battle with the eagerness to win.

One day it will be second nature to me. I have to take care of me first, so I can love you harder. That’s just the way it goes. In reality everyone has to do that not just those with chronic illness. If we loose ourselves in caring for others we forget how to care for ourselves, and it will catch up to us. I guess the lesson is that it’s okay to be selfish. Not in the only about me way but the I need this so I can do that way. I am going to love me because I am worth it.

***wrote freehand with limited edits, please be kind***

Where Have I been….

Where Have I been….

I don’t mean to disappear. A lot of the times I have to choose between resting, spending time with my family, or blogging. I work hard to manage my energy and time. If something has to give it’s going to be my blog. Not because I don’t love it, this is my favorite thing to do. To have the ability to communicate with others is such blessing. This is just mine, I don’t do it for my family or to gain notoriety, I do it for me. I absolutely hate that any length of time goes by without publishing a post. I am not sure how to rectify posting more consistently but I am thankful for those who continue to join in.

I wanted to write a quick post explaining where I have been. My health is up and down as I have talked in length about. My hope is that eventually my meds will kick in and I can communicate with everyone on a regular basis. I feel so lucky to have found a way to talk with others about lupus, fibro, ehlers danlos and everything in between. Not feeling so alone has been a tremendous boost in my morale. I am so thankful for those who have stuck with me.

I am planning on posting this week. I have a lot to say (per usual). This twisted road seems to never end but I am determined to handle it with grace. I have to find some type of stability. Blogging gives me a way to let it all out and regain some composure. That’s one of the most important steps, having something just for you. So, needless to say I will be putting more effort into what helps me. I’d Love to hear what helps others. Next post will be up Thursday!

 

Have a great week!!

 

 

 

** Wrote freehand with limited edits, please be kind**

Bonding with Others who Have Chronic Illness

Bonding with Others who Have Chronic Illness

Most of the time when I sit here I simply write what comes to my mind. I am not a professional in any sense. I am just a person who created an outlet because I felt alone. It’s not that I don’t have loved ones that care, it was more like they don’t understand. I feel lonely and isolated. They don’t mean to exclude me, they just don’t get it. That has caused so much anxiety within me. I felt confused and almost ashamed of this nasty beast called Lupus. It has taken me up to this point to be open and unapologetic. I am ready to be an open book, I want to connect with others going through the same issues, and most of all I need to accept that this is not my fault.

Yes, I blamed myself for this. I played the could of, would of, should of game. What if I did this or that instead. There were so many questions that would swirl in my head when all of this first started. As my disease progressed I felt overwhelmed and clueless as what was next. Especially because doctor after doctor made me feel like I may just be a crazy woman. I, for sure, thought this could all very well be all in my head. I thank God I had the fortitude to not give up and advocate for myself.

The short story is this, I don’t want any person to feel alone when dealing with chronic illness. There’s a whole community of people that need to connect. We all need to lean on each other because we are the ones who truly get it. In the last month I have just laid it all out there. I have talked about my health with an odd confidence. In the strangest way it made me feel more in control. I have been diagnosed with a list of issues but the top four would be: Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Joint Hypermobility Syndrome, and IBS. I can finally say that without being scared of judgement.

A lot of people fear what they don’t understand or put down what they don’t know. Well, something I never thought I would need came this week, I received my wheelchair. This was a huge step for me, I have fought getting one. I was encouraged to move forward but I was scared. I didn’t want people to see me in a wheelchair and think I didn’t need it or even worse think I was disabled. You know what? I am disabled. I said it. I need the assistance of a wheelchair, I need help from others, I am unable to do daily tasks on my own, and I refuse to feel shame any longer. I need to focus on my quality of life. Lying to myself or being fearful of what others think will only hold me back from living MY best life.

So, I (kind of) went off on a random tangent. I figured if I have these thoughts running through my mind others may be experiencing the same. I am only one person trying to get through everyday with chronic pain (among other issues). I’ve realized how much I value building relationships with others experiencing this. People that without question after question know what you’re describing. You guys are my people, we get each other and I need that. The encouragement that together we can get through it.

Tomorrow is going to be another day that we all are blessed enough to live. We may not get to run outside, climb mountains, or simply clean our homes but we get another day. I am going to enjoy my children’s laughter, hold my husband as tight as my body allows, and indulge in the healthiest unhealthy food I can. What will you do? My hope is there is at least one thing that makes your day shine a little brighter.

Announcement! Sometimes you just have to go for it!!

Announcement! Sometimes you just have to go for it!!

Hello! I recently decided to create a blogging challenge for myself. I will be starting off with 7 days, then take a small break, and hop back into it with 7 more days.  My plan is to write more about me, who I am, my values, what I aim to improve on, etc. I figure you guys will get to know me better but also hope it opens the door for others to process who they are/ want to be. 

A fair warning, I will not be editing heavily, more like write and go! I want to be authentic and not overthink everything too much (my Kryptonite). 

My first post will be up tomorrow. I’m excited to try something totally new.

If any other bloggers want to join in please do! Make sure to share with me 🙂 

Cheers to new challenages!!! 

#crazywonderful